O’ Mother, Where Art Thou? – June 26, 2005

Another weekend in the hospital for the Johnson Clan – well, sort of.

Late Saturday night, after everyone left, the nurse let us know that Lis has an infection in her body that is caused from a contagious bacterium. Which means we can get whatever she has gotten. So Sunday morning the nurse recommended that we not bring Lukas to the hospital. Poor Lis, this more than anything tears her apart, to be away from her son and then not be able to see him. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be apart for so long from our son (though at times I feel that I’m not near him, but that’s another story).

Lis has missed a month and a half of Lukas’ short life. It’s been so hard on her. She’s had to stop breastfeeding, which is a bond only a mother and baby can experience, trust me I tried and we just didn’t get that closeness that she and he had. Then she was trapped in the hospital for a month. She got home and has had to “take it easy”, her family has been here, so it hasn’t been easy for her to visit solely with him, and now this little bump that has put her back into the hospital and stuck into her room with limited visitors and no son. I know she enjoys seeing everyone but if she had her choice to see one person I believe it would be Lukas.

Other than not being able to see her son, Lis is doing fine. Her blood counts are starting to rise, she’s still a little swollen, but she doesn’t experience any nausea or fatigue. She should be out by Wednesday – hopefully.

As for me, I’m battling with my insides. Holding things inside of me. My frustration with Lis in the hospital, my frustration with not being able to do what I want with my son and breaking him out of the routine my in-laws have put him into.

Today I went to church with my brothers, Elen and Lukas. My mother-in-law wanted to keep Lukas at home cause he was sleepy, I thought that was fine, even though I wanted him to go with, as we drove down the street I turned around and asked Randy to go and get Lukas for me. This is my son and I want to do what I want to do, isn’t that the way it should be? So we took Lukas to church with us and I am grateful I did. At first Elen was holding him and finally I took him and held him while we sang. It felt so good to have him in my arms. I love to hold him and lightly sing the songs in his ear. He ended up falling asleep right away and slept in my arms the entire service.

Church was emotional, not so much for the service, though I do enjoy the music at this church. It’s always emotional after something like this is going on. My chest feels tense like I’m battling with God and constantly asking him “why Lord, why?” Things were getting so much better and now this, it’s like ten steps back. So thinking about this breaks me down emotionally and I begin to tear up. We took communion and sitting there with my son and praying by ourselves makes me tear up more, I think God has something to do with that, as if he has a hand on my shoulder saying that everything is going to be alright. It’s also amazing how Lukas will do things that will make me feel so much better. For instance, falling asleep in my arms when I almost didn’t bring him because I didn’t want to upset my mother-in-law. Lis’ situation has brought me back to Christ but this new bump has made me question and battle with things.

I’m sure God will point us in the right direction. Hopefully to where we can have our family back. I miss having the three of us together. We talked about it before the cancer-deal, spending more time together as a family, then she got sick, then her family came and now she’s back into the hospital. I want my family back, I want my wife back and feeling better (she will never be “normal” again). I want the three of us together. I want to be able to take a drive on a Sunday and go somewhere, just the three of us.

6 thoughts on “O’ Mother, Where Art Thou? – June 26, 2005

  1. So why cant you? Lisy should be home on Wednesday, right? So go. Sunday. Pack a lunch, diapers, Lukas and Lisy and head out. Even if it is just a picnic for the three of you. Doing things like that are very important. It may even be good for Lisy. When was the last time the three of you did something that just involved only the three of you??? Extended family is great. I know that they have been there for you but you need your own family time. Ahhh, I just want to give you a big hug. Keep us updated and I will still keep you in my prayers. I hope this bump in the road passes quickly.

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  2. Thanks for sharing Kevin. I hear ya on being torn between what you want w/your son and what inlaws want. My situation is far less critical… but I know it\’s not easy to go against the grain. I am so glad you and your son had that moment. Do keep us updated. You live so close to me Lisy\’s story feels real. I\’ll be on more person who puts Lisy in her prayers at night.

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  3. What is normal….normal is relative. Normal is different for everyone, what is normal for your family, which may have to be different than before, is abnormal for someone else. You have to change what you do and how because of the illness, but it will be normal for your family. Make your own traditions. I say go for a small adventure as soon as Lisy is feeling up to it. Be sure she feels well enough to enjoy it. Worse comes to worse, have a picnic party on your bed, just the three of you. Have some of your favorite foods and just enjoy being. Being a family, you will always be that.I am learning to appreciate the small insignificant moments in my life after a year of cancer, bankruptcy, more illenss and my husband multiple sclerosis. I am trying not to focus on all the ahrdship and pain, but trying to see the special things in every day life. Like the redness of the sunrise and sunset, a blubird feeding it\’s family and a field of blackeyed susans……life it is great.Blessings,Sabine

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  4. Kevin,Our prayers are with you family. Everything works out in the long run. As for the in-laws I couldn\’t help you with that both of mine are passed away. They are there to help you and not to hinder things. So take advantage of them while you still can. And by all means if you want to take your son somewhere you do it , he is YOUR son and their grandson. They may have more years on you on raising kids, yet you are raising your own. Not them. Not trying to be mean just real. They love you and Lucas and liz and sometimes they may not realize they are just the Mom and dad of Lis and the grandparents to Lucas.Keep being strong for Lis and your little guy. They need you. Your friend,

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  5. My Prayers are with you and your family, my sister has aml leukemia ( i signed your guestbook) , my sister and her family goes through alot of the same things your family does.. the only difference is our parents passed away along time ago and my brother- in-law,well his mom has lung cancer, i guess when it rains it really pours!!! Any way i added you to my site i hope that was ok, My prayers and thoughts go out to you always. Have a good night!!alias _angel71@hotmail.com

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  6. I will pray for you and your family. May peace and health be with you all… take good care….Many Blessings,NessaRose

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