Another weekend in the hospital for the Johnson Clan – well, sort of.
Late Saturday night, after everyone left, the nurse let us know that Lis has an infection in her body that is caused from a contagious bacterium. Which means we can get whatever she has gotten. So Sunday morning the nurse recommended that we not bring Lukas to the hospital. Poor Lis, this more than anything tears her apart, to be away from her son and then not be able to see him. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be apart for so long from our son (though at times I feel that I’m not near him, but that’s another story).
Lis has missed a month and a half of Lukas’ short life. It’s been so hard on her. She’s had to stop breastfeeding, which is a bond only a mother and baby can experience, trust me I tried and we just didn’t get that closeness that she and he had. Then she was trapped in the hospital for a month. She got home and has had to “take it easy”, her family has been here, so it hasn’t been easy for her to visit solely with him, and now this little bump that has put her back into the hospital and stuck into her room with limited visitors and no son. I know she enjoys seeing everyone but if she had her choice to see one person I believe it would be Lukas.
Other than not being able to see her son, Lis is doing fine. Her blood counts are starting to rise, she’s still a little swollen, but she doesn’t experience any nausea or fatigue. She should be out by Wednesday – hopefully.
As for me, I’m battling with my insides. Holding things inside of me. My frustration with Lis in the hospital, my frustration with not being able to do what I want with my son and breaking him out of the routine my in-laws have put him into.
Today I went to church with my brothers, Elen and Lukas. My mother-in-law wanted to keep Lukas at home cause he was sleepy, I thought that was fine, even though I wanted him to go with, as we drove down the street I turned around and asked Randy to go and get Lukas for me. This is my son and I want to do what I want to do, isn’t that the way it should be? So we took Lukas to church with us and I am grateful I did. At first Elen was holding him and finally I took him and held him while we sang. It felt so good to have him in my arms. I love to hold him and lightly sing the songs in his ear. He ended up falling asleep right away and slept in my arms the entire service.
Church was emotional, not so much for the service, though I do enjoy the music at this church. It’s always emotional after something like this is going on. My chest feels tense like I’m battling with God and constantly asking him “why Lord, why?” Things were getting so much better and now this, it’s like ten steps back. So thinking about this breaks me down emotionally and I begin to tear up. We took communion and sitting there with my son and praying by ourselves makes me tear up more, I think God has something to do with that, as if he has a hand on my shoulder saying that everything is going to be alright. It’s also amazing how Lukas will do things that will make me feel so much better. For instance, falling asleep in my arms when I almost didn’t bring him because I didn’t want to upset my mother-in-law. Lis’ situation has brought me back to Christ but this new bump has made me question and battle with things.
I’m sure God will point us in the right direction. Hopefully to where we can have our family back. I miss having the three of us together. We talked about it before the cancer-deal, spending more time together as a family, then she got sick, then her family came and now she’s back into the hospital. I want my family back, I want my wife back and feeling better (she will never be “normal” again). I want the three of us together. I want to be able to take a drive on a Sunday and go somewhere, just the three of us.