A Reunion of Sorts – June 13, 2005 – Round 2, Day 1

Ding, ding, ding…Round 2 has begun.

Last night we went to bed, somewhat depressed because we knew that Lis was going to return to the hospital for at least three days of chemotherapy. I could tell Lis was sad. She lay in bed, saying nothing. I heard the occasional *sniff, sniff* meaning that she was probably crying. She wouldn’t explain to me what was wrong and I got tired of bugging her to tell me. I asked her if she wanted Lukas in bed with us and she said “yah, but I don’t want to wake him”. Well, if you know kids, you know that you can almost always pick them up while they are in deep sleep and move them across the country without them knowing. So I carefully picked up Lukas and brought him into bed with us. I think it made her more sad and then better.

It’s hard knowing that you have to go back to the hospital. All the negative thoughts you try to put aside come back into the front of your mind. What if something goes wrong? What if the chemo gets into a part of the body it shouldn’t? Plus, it brings up the fact that Lis does have leukemia no matter how she may feel or be acting. It’s part of our life and unfortunately will be a part of our life forever.

This morning Lis and I got ready to go to the hospital. We were ready, and prepared this time, bringing Lukas’ toys and a change of clothes and also filling a bag of stuff for Lis. This wasn’t like before where we had no idea how long we were going to be there or what was going on. Sogra and Elen didn’t seem to be getting ready. Lis had to ask them if they were coming which bothered me. There shouldn’t be a question of whether or not you’re coming; it should just be that you’re coming. I guess this is how I feel. Your daughter, sister, wife, mom is in the hospital, you’re here to stay with them, you should go to the hospital with them. Wouldn’t it make her feel better? It bothered me a lot. I know this is something that you probably don’t want to see but so be it, you have to pick yourself up and deal with the situation. It just bothered me. Sogra ended up going but Elen didn’t. I know its boring but what are you going to do home alone?

Anyway, Lis got to the hospital and checked in. Turns out we were supposed to wait for a phone call before coming to the hospital, that way we were sure there was a room open. Thankfully they had a room open and oddly it was # 707, Lis’ old room. Ahhh…home sweet home.

We settled in and slowly some of the nurses that had remembered Lis came walking in to say “hello” to Lis and to flirt with Lukas. He didn’t remember any of them but he quickly got back into the routine of smiling and looking at everyone that walked through the door and poked his mom with a needle. He’s so darn cute, I’m sorry!

I left at 12:30pm with Sogra and then went to work. Later that day I had a meeting with the Boss Lady and her husband. The meeting went well and it looks like they’ve talked me into staying. I think this will be better and am glad that we were able to work things out. It will be easier on the office and me if I stayed. Now I have to call Ian’s work and let them know that I won’t be taking the job. Argh!

After work we went back to the hospital and hung out until 9:30pm. My Mom was there from noon until 5:30pm. She stayed with Lukas and helped Lis out. I think she enjoys going there and helping out, she does a good job at it and I think she wanted to see some old faces.

I think things are going to work out fine. We’re trying to get our life situated and move on with our new life with cancer. I think we’ll do fine. Lis is so strong, it was nice to hear one of the nurses say that the last time he saw Lis she looked miserable and sick and he thought there was no chance of her getting out in a couple more days, but I think she heard that there was that chance of getting out by Mother’s Day that she worked hard at eating, walking and all that stuff and was able to get out earlier than expected. She’s amazing. And she’ll do another great job with Round 2.

3 thoughts on “A Reunion of Sorts – June 13, 2005 – Round 2, Day 1

  1. it sound as if you both are very strong people, you have to be in these situations. I will find out tomorrow if my cervical cancer had spread or not. If it has then I will have to go through Chemo myself. I have lots of friends and family that have had Cancer of some sort, and all have pulled through (most of them). I\’m not as strong as the others, I put up a front for my husband so he doesn\’t think I\’m down in the dump about it. I wish you all the luck and your prayers are with us,Your friend,Patti

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  2. Kevin,I understand fully about expectations of others and how they deal with all this. The problem is that much like each survivor\’s experience is different, each person whose life is touched by cancer in someone they love deals with it differently.Sometimes the frustration of being unable to fix what is wrong with your loved one, the anger, confusion and pain that they feel, is overwhelming. Sometimes they are sad or upset or unable to process what is going on. And the strain of being in the hospital is tough on anyone. I know that it would be great if everyone could deal with this the way WE need them to deal with it. But it\’s not like that. We have to accept that they may not have the capacity at a given moment or day to deal with our reality. I don\’t have a choice. Lisy doesn\’t have a choice. We must deal with it. But we can\’t expect everyone to put on a brave and supportive face for us all the time. They need time to deal with their own grief and pain over it. The survivor is a painful reminder of what they can\’t fix. It\’s not about not caring or loving enough. It\’s not about failing to understand the seriousness of all this. It\’s exactly about understanding only too well how real all this is.And that\’s okay, too. They have a process and a path through this too, and it isn\’t any easier for them. It\’s just different. They may not have the physical pain, but the emotional burden is as great, and in some cases maybe even greater. That also means that it\’s okay for YOU to not always be Mr. Tough and Strong and Superman….you are human…and you have to deal with your own pain and sadness through this. Don\’t forget about that, okay?Ah…strength….this is a big thing with me lately. Lisy is strong because she is a survivor. But strength doesn\’t necessarily mean that she can\’t be sad or overwhelmed or lost. From me to you…know that I understand about putting on the brave face…and that it is important for you to let her know that it is okay to be less than okay with all this. Support her in her own process – which may be tough at times…be supportive of her grief and pain and sadness and confusion. The best thing we can all do is learn to face our fears and pains. Embrace the emotion. Feel it fully. Once you\’ve done that, you can let it go and move on. But if we always bury our pains, never letting them see the light of day, being \’brave\’ and \’strong\’, not letting others see us as human, we hurt ourselves, we reinforce unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, and we perpetuate the myth that those who are strong don\’t have bad days.It\’s okay to be human. It\’s okay to cry. It\’s okay to be angry and shout and scream and want to give up. It doesn\’t mean we are going to do that. But we have to acknowledge and accept that part of ourselves that may make others uncomfortable. If we don\’t, we become a prisoner, a hostage of our unacknowledged emotions.Sending healing vibes and hope to you both.Shelly

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