It’s Tuesday, April 12, 2005 and I’m starting to feel beaten. The house is a total disaster. I’m tired (mostly mentally) but would like to get on the computer and type in my journal and reply to emails. So I’m doing that now, it’s 11:42pm.
Things are starting to change now. Lis is starting to feel fatigued. She spent most of the day drifting in and out of sleep. She did wake up and walk around which is good. She didn’t get too much time with Lukas which made her depressed.
I work from 8:30 ‘til 1pm. I don’t know how long that will last. I feel guilty for leaving early. My wife is very very ill and I need to be there for her.
Speaking of being there for her, the support we have gotten from everyone has been amazing. Judy mentioned on Monday about starting a fund for Lis. My mom had mentioned that earlier and now they are in the process of getting that started, so that should be good. I emailed people asking for help with food and Marta emailed all her friends and they’ve all been great. Total strangers making food for me! Today a gal named Lisa brought us pizza and pop. I don’t even know her! She talked with us for a bit then did a prayer, it’s awesome! People have emailed with questions or asking how they can help. I’ve talked to people I hadn’t talked to in awhile, just calling to give support. I’ve got three messages on the machine, one from Grandpa, another from a guy at church and a third from Aaron Swaney at the Herald, which was nice of him to call.
My parents and brothers have been outstanding, as well. My mom hangs out there all day with Lukas and Lis, Randy and my dad usually show up later. It’s nice having them around.
Mostly it’s been Lukas that I’ve been most proud of. The lil’ man is sleeping very well. He slept from 8pm to 4am last night and I hope he repeats it cause he’s giving me sleep. He wakes up at four, eats, and then falls back asleep next to me. We’re really bonding and it makes me happy cause he’s always so happy. Just this evening I walked back to the car and made choo-choo sounds. He laughed so loud, is there a better remedy than that when things are going this way?
It’s still hard not to think about the bad stuff. The other night I read crap on the ‘net and ended up calling my parents house crying my eyes out telling my mom how scared I am. It still seems unreal.
It does sound like her mom and sisters are going to come up, which would be a real blessing. She needs her mom. Everyone needs their mom in a time like this and she needs her mom. It would be awesome if they could come up. I would be totally happy. I want them here for good and bad reasons. She needs them to be there and she also needs them if something were to go the wrong way.
I keep praying every night before I leave Lis. My faith in God is rising by the minute. I think he is watching over us and has a plan for this. I don’t know what it is but that’s okay. He’s been great so far (minus the cancer). I think he’s helped me with Lukas, he’s blessed us with support from family and friends and if Lis’ family comes up, it will be a huge blessing. The ultimate would of course be Lis recovering from this cancer.
Can you believe it? Cancer. My wife has cancer. I can’t fathom it. I never would have imagined this. Anyway, it’s nearing midnight so I better go. I hope all is well with Lis and I hope she sleeps and recovers. It’s so weird seeing her like this.