Sleepy Girl – April 28, 2005 – Day 21 – Week 3

Welcome to Week 3 of Lis with Leukemia. When I last wrote I talked about how Lis has gone into remission. The cancer has supposedly left the building and Lis is on the way up. Well, if you looked at her you couldn’t tell that was the case.

Poor Lis. She’s drugged up 23 hours of the day. She doesn’t even know when we’re coming or going. I saw her from 5:45 – 6:30 and didn’t get much of a response for her. Then caught up with her after dinner and she was pretty out of it from 8:30 – 9:15 when she told us (me and Lukas) that she didn’t want us to make any noise. It sucks. She used to be able to walk around but she’s too weak to do that. It’s hard to believe that the cancer is gone cause she looks worse than she has these three weeks. I want to be there with her but it bothers me and frustrates me and worries me to see her like this. I can only look at her and ask “Why?” I get into the elevator and want to punch the walls screaming, “Why, why, why?!?” Or “how did this happen?”

It seems like forever ago when the only things that bothered me were the amount of times Lukas was eating and the fact I had two jobs. Those things seem petty for what I’m worrying about now. When will I see my wife? When can she come home? What will she be like when she leaves the hospital?

The nurses have told my mom to try to do your normal things. Do your stuff and try not to worry about spending time with her. It’s so hard, but it feels good sometimes.

I wish I wouldn’t have told anyone that Lis was getting better. Everyone thinks she’s just able to walk around like its nothing, but truthfully it’s worse than before.

I only saw Lis for about 45 minutes to an hour today which makes me feel like crap. And I guess that’s it. Life goes on.

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