I’m spent. Mentally exhausted. The weekend brought so much promise and now its back to the usual. Monday Lis was tired and I spent maybe two hours there cause she was asleep the entire time. Today, she was sleeping for most of the night. She woke up around 8pm though and showed flashes of the Weekend Lis. The goofy, happy drugged type Lis that looked as though she would be out of here in days. The roller coaster ride that is the “Battle of Leukemia” continues.
It’s just been hard. I so want to be there and that’s what makes me exhausted and frustrated. I have to go to work, flash my fake smile and answer call after call after call, to go along with the people that walk through the door. It tires me out. Then my Mom calls and tells me that Lis had to have oxygen and that she’s got a tube up her nose. Well, that’s great! Why? What for? So this automatically frustrates me and I no longer want to be at work (not that I did to begin the day, but you know there are different stages of not wanting to be at work). I want to be at the hospital, I want to know what’s going on. Luckily for me my Mom spends her entire day at the hospital doing what I would like to be doing. Taking care of my wife and hanging out with my son. She deserves a big Mother’s Day gift.
So the rest of the day I’m in a pissy mood. My boss does ask me what’s bothering me and asked if I think I need to be there. I tell her every day I think I should be there but some days more than others. She replies, “Well if you think that you need to be there then maybe you should go”. I ask if they can handle it, they say they can, a customer calls and it’s for me, someone to bitch about their claim, she gets distracted and I don’t like asking her if I can go so I stay and feel miserable.
Anyway, Lis’ coworkers visited today. She was awake and laughing when they were here. She watched part of the Amazing Race then fell back asleep but we got a good hour in with her and it felt nice to see her awake again. It always perks me up.
Lukas is asleep and is awesome. He fell asleep on me Sunday for the first time at the hospital . Then that night we were watching the end of the Sonics game and he did it again.
Other than that I continue to tell people “I’m fine” and that Lis is “fine” and that Lukas is “fine” and everything is “fine”. Even though on the inside I feel torn apart. I got really upset today at lunch just cause I wanted to be there with her and was just exhausted from all of this. My Mom ended up calling and I ended up getting upset and crying and yelling. I told her it wasn’t her fault and told her I appreciated everything that she has done and that I love her. I told her that my world was being torn apart, this was by far the worst time of my life and I have to continue to fake that I’m doing okay (I think I’ve convinced myself) even though I’m not.
Sometimes I feel like crying. The other night, after we had a couple of drinks I began to cry, luckily nobody saw. Other times in the car I feel like crying. It bites!